stuck in the snow

It's very cold

Friday, April 29, 2005


Yesterday I was so tired, the whole week had been nights of late bed times but the day before I ended up going to bed at 2:30 to finish my essay (which wasn't due till Friday but my teacher docks a lot of marks if you don't have your rough drafts in). When I woke up I decided that I was much too tired to function so I told my mom that I wasn't feeling well and snuggled back into my warm cozy bed. I woke up about two hours later feeling nice and refreshed so I decided I should probably go to school. I got ready, and my mom drove me there at about 10:00, half an hour late for gym class but she wrote me a note that would "validate my absence". It wasn't that big of a deal anyway, we were only doing "relaxation", which is just lying there talking to your friends. I walked in feeling very refreshed and energetic, the day was made better when I saw my friend Alison walk in at exactly the same time and tell me that she got her braces off that morning. I think that the whole braces thing is such a scam, everyone I know who got them had perfect teeth before but the orthodontist somehow covinced them and their parents that their teeth were extremely crooked (slight body dismorphia?) but this is completely besides the point. We were talking in very cheerful voices typical of the way a fifteen and sixteen year old sound, when all of a sudden Alison met some friends I didn't know very well (well they don't eat lunch with us) and we all started to walk to her locker, with them talking in hushed tones. I could hear what they were talking about but when friends of a friend start to talk to each other I usually tune out because it's never directed at me, although I basically got the drift that what they were talking about was very serious. Afterwards I asked Alison what it was about and she told me, looking very pale, that one of the students in are grade committed suicide... She was pretty popular, so a lot of people knew her including some of my friends. In gym class every one just sat there crying. It was awful. Finally after what felt like hours, the bell rang and I went to math class feeling terrible, I didn't even know her but I just couldn't get over the magnitude of the situation. Especially because I couldn't get the image of her hanging in her backyard out of my head, which is how they found her. I remember everyone saying inbetween sobs that she seemed so happy and she was so smart and she had so many friends...but people are so good at acting happy when they're not. I think that's so scary, everyone thinks someone's fine but they're actually sitting there planning their death. There were some people, who didn't know her, who thought she was being selfish. I can understand how someone would think that, but I don't think they really get what she was going through, I don't, but it's not as if she killed herself to piss people off: I think to commit suicide you can't see anyway out of feeling horrible and worthless. I later found out that she left a note saying that she felt that she couldn't live up to everyone's expectations, which I guess cleared up why everyone was so confused. It's so scary when it isn't on the news.


At 9:42 pm, Blogger Seven said...

Hey I know exactly what you mean. In one summer two people commited suicide. It was awful. One was a student who I was in two classes with. Somehow I feel kind of guilty, but I know there was nothing I could do. The other was a teacher who I had only seen around campus. Its really scary to see people one day and the next they are gone. I once felt that way but I don't think I could ever go through with suicide.

At 10:32 am, Anonymous Anonymous said...

>> There were some people, who didn't know her, who thought she was being selfish. >>

in a way, she is. as you said, she seemed to have everything going for her and yet she left us because she felt she couldn't live up to the hype. it's important to note that the pressure she felt was all her perception of what others were feeling. that there was any real pressure at all may not be the case.

i am not saying that she's a bad person for doing this. however, it has to be pointed out that suicide is rarely, if ever, the best answer.


At 5:35 pm, Blogger Rae said...

I had tears in my eyes as I was reading this. The school environment that Ive grown in, everyone is expected to be the best, parents scream if their kids get below an A, and suicide is the daily lunch talk. It just truly saddens me that in this society young people feel they have no other options. I;m sorry that you had to experience that.

At 10:24 pm, Blogger Jon said...

There was a suicide at my highschool as well. He was 2 years older, and apparently took an overdose of drugs and left a note. I'm not sure as to the reasons, but the school sent out letters to the parents and had a psychiatrist on hand to tend to students who wished to talk. It is scary and sad, especially since the last thing her parents want, despite academic and extracuricular presure, is for their daughter to die. Be well Rachel

At 10:45 pm, Blogger joe said...

it's never easy to deal with or understand suicide. my family struggles with it everyday. whether you are standing on the outside or looking out from within, I don't think anyone can really understand. *** hugs to you ***

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